Day 2 (b)

Yesterday, while standing outside on a Sunday afternoon, my boyfriend pointed to my neck and said, “Whoa, what’s that?”  I don’t know what’s behind it yet, but what it is for practical purposes is a lump on the left side of my collarbone, a.k.a. clavicle.   It feels like the bone, like the bone is just too big on that side.

You know where the horseshoe indentation of your throat is, that little cave above your collarbone?  The left side of my horseshoe is too big.  Something is afoot.  I hope it’s not cancer, but realize it could be.  Because what else would it be?

So I’m getting it checked out by my doctor today, except I don’t have insurance.  I have one of those new-fangled doctors I pay a monthly fee to for unlimited visits and care, cheap prescriptions and routine tests, but have no insurance for expensiver things like hospitals, x-rays, and cancer.  But we’ll see what he says to do next.

I still haven’t said something I’m grateful of today.  So here goes.

I am grateful for the relationship I have, which is very nice in many ways, one of which is that I am completely myself with him and he still likes me, anyway. I appreciate the time I have with him because it feels like when I was 8, before I changed and learned to be constantly self-conscious and nervous.

See how I ended up sneaking in some dark undertones to that gratitude?  Dammit, I’m a pro.  I’ll keep working at leaving out the shadows and giving the light some room.



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